A Smoke Signal

I haven't updated my title corner of he blogosphere in so long. Partly because I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to share and also because I'm increasingly frustrated with the look of Blogger templates. In an attempt to make this place look fresh and new I have gone and messed up my whole blog and hate how it looks. Le sigh.

I really want to start running this all the time again, but I'm just not very interesting. I'm not married or having a baby. I don't make crafts or cook/bake new recipes constantly enough. I'm not upwardly fashionable or organized. I don't take photographs or make art or do anything intellectually stimulating that is worth blogging about. I'm just a 22 year old college student being swallowed up by homework and organizations and thinking ahead. A bit of an amateur cook/baker who aspires to be crafty and diy-y. I don't have a niche, just my thoughts and things to share that I enjoy.

I feel like that's how I am in real life though. No one interesting, someone people overlook. Everyone I know is so involved in their own lives and milestones that I can't help but feel like an after thought. It's very petty for me to feel this way, I know, but it's something that creeps up from time to time. I have friends that are married, engaged, starting careers, involved with new people, etc... They don't all take the initiative to hang out or talk and I feel like I do a lot of the work. I guess at 22 it's better to start zeroing in on who is worth having in your life anyway.

But, forget all of that. Negative nonsense is just that, nonsense.

If you know of a good place to find simple, clean, looking templates let me know! I'd love to fix this asap. Now I'm off for a long night of adjusting schedules, going to meetings, playing with puppies, and attempting to get some sleep.

A Vent

I'm writing right now at 12:30 on a Saturday night/Sunday morning because I honestly have nothing better to do. I spent a wonderful day with Joseph filled with talking and laughing and planning and enjoying one another's company. It really was a lovely day. However, right now I am overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I'm very lonely. It's a pretty constant feeling as of late. I'm not happy and haven't been in some time. Its been made rather obvious I'm not worth many people's time, not even some of my closest friends. I moved down to Muncie thinking life would be great and I'd make tons of new friends, get to spend more time with my friends that were already here, and really get a sense of the "college experience" I thought I had been missing out on by living in Fort Wayne. Well, I'm here to tell you that I feel as though I made the wrong decision. And I'm only droning on and on about it right now because if I don't say it now (even in blog form) I may not ever say it. People always ask me how I like Ball State and living in Muncie and I always respond with something similar to "Oh I love it! It's been a really great experience. blah blah blah.". It's not the truth. I sit alone in my apartment sometimes and just look around at the vast empty space around me and want to cry for no reason. I try to stay as busy as possible so I don't have time to just sit and think. I do go out sometimes and I do hang out with people, but not in the way I thought. I just feel like I'm not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough...not even for my close friends. I've always held true to the thought of quality over quantity, but what do you do when quality even begins to be lacking? Lately I've been contemplating moving back home. Getting an apartment, a new job, and going back to IPFW. At least then I would be around other friends, my family and my boyfriend. I'm so tired of feeling pushed aside and unimportant. And I'm still blubbering on, most likely in a way that makes no sense A. because it's almost 1am, and B. because this is completely me venting in a stream-of-concious manner. If you've read my entire breakdown I applaud you.

I'm going to put in The Breakfast Club and go to bed now. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Venting my life

I often sit and wonder lately where I have gone. Sometimes I'm not sure I know myself very well anymore. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be, and it's a really weird thing. I used to be very outwardly opinionated, social, outgoing. I could easily make friends, strike up a conversation with a stranger and find common interests. I was independent, self sufficient, all knowing of my feelings and convictions. I didn't need anyone, didn't feel like I had to rely on others for happiness. I could occupy myself, feel just as good spending time alone as I did with others, not insecure.

Now...now I am this mess of emotions. A self-concious, timid, worrisome, stranger I don't even recognize. I stress out over trying to find people I click with. I overanalyze my friends behavior towards me. Some nights I can't stand being in my apartment alone. I register my happiness through the actions of others, and rarely feel like I'm interesting enough for anyone to care to get to know or keep around. Crying seems to happen a lot and I am constantly down on myself. I don't know this person at all.

I've tried to blame it all on moving, on not really knowing anyone, on the stresses that come with a total change in routine. But, I know it's much more than that. It goes back to around this time last year, when people who I considered to be my best friends completely ran out of my life with no explanation. The treatment I recieved from them still makes me angry today...ignored texts, ignored phone calls, the silent treatment, talking behind my back, treating me as though we were never friends to begin with. It really hit me hard because these people (more specifically one person) whom I trusted with everything, that I spent nearly every single day with, that I kept secrets for, that I would drop everything to help, completely turned their back(s) on me. I suppose I never really have gotten over it, especially because there are some extraneous factors that make it even harder to swallow, constant reminders/slaps in the face that we are no longer friends. Not to mention that at this same time the  girl I had been best friends with for years and I drifted apart. It's all really taken its toll over time.

I guess right now I just really feel down and out, though I try really hard to mask it. I do have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, and awesome friends. I should be counting my blessings and looking at the positives. Right? Right. "Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself" And end self-deprecating crap.

A silly little vent/rant/disposal of feelings.

I've noticed more and more since I moved down here that I have the worst anxiety ever. Maybe it's just from living somewhere new where I know a minimal amount of people, or something I've been burying for awhile, but either way I don't really like it. I'm really nervous about making friends and meeting people here. It's seriously something that's constantly on my mind. I think somewhere between getting comfortable in my life back up in Fort Wayne and getting a serious boyfriend I just forgot how to make friends and meet new people. For example, tonight the communications/journalism department is having this recruitment kind of thing for organizations within your major. I am so freaked out about having to go by myself that I don't even want to go. It seems so silly to me, but I am legitimately freaked out.

On top of that I have a really big fear that I'm going to end up bugging the crap out of the friends I do have here. I know they have their own friends and things they are involved in, but I can't help feeling a little pushed to the side at times, which is probably really ridiculous of me. But, I;ve always had that fear with friends. i don't really see myself as a very memorable or important person so I;ve gotten used to friends coming and going to make room for their newer friends who seem to be much better than me. It's a little self depreciating, I know, and I really don't like that I tend to feel this way. It's just that certain events over the last year have led me to having this sudden loss of self esteem.

I know I'll get over it, as I always do. I've just done a lot of overthinking lately. I just have to keep telling myself everything will be fine and that a lot of these feelings are just in my head. I'm usually not a whiney, lame mess, as I think most people know, so please excuse this venting. I'm sure in a few hours I'll be feeling perfectly fine. Tis life.