Day 29

What you live for.

I live for: myself, the world, hand holding, best friends, inside jokes, the future, butterflies in the stomach, long drives, sunsets, sunrises, first kisses, last kisses, happiness, pain, a good nights sleep, wanting, missing former friends, missing former flames, meeting new people, spending quality time with myself, tough decisions, smoothies, gorgeous sunny days,playgrounds, soaking up the sun, following my heart, honesty, passion, heart to hearts, secrets, laughing until you cry, crying until you laugh, the one person that just gets you, love, joy, the journey, singing journey, making mistakes, hot coffee on a tired morning, neon post-it notes, walking barefoot, cold rainy days, cuddling, kissing, cute children, quotes, love stories, good music, inside jokes, nicknames, my future self, my future husband, my future children, my family, thoughtfulness, excitement, good days, adventures, photographs, feeling, and so much more....

Day 28

A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness.

There are many times I've felt complete happiness and contentness, but this is from a more recent time. My boyfriend surprised me by taking me to Chicago for the weekend just a month or so after we started dating. The day was full of people watching. shopping, laughing, sight seeing, and enjoying one anothers company. We didn't have a care in the world that day. It was just the two of us spending time together in a city we both love.

Day 27

Your definition of the meaning of life.

To me life is beyong living and breathing and existing. Life is experiencing things, both good and bad. Life is stepping outside of your comfort zone. Life is living everyday as if it's your last. Life is making mistakes and picking yourself up off the ground when those mistakes knock you down. Life is loving and giving all of yourself to someone else. Life is laughing out loud. Life is your own personal journey. Life is butterflies, tears, smiles, and frowns all rolled into one. Most importantly, life is what you make it, so make it count, always.

Day 26

Your definition of love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Day 25

Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail.

Become a politician. I've always had a knack for politics and am full of opinions. When I was born I popped out of my momma with a fist in the air, to which the nurse catching me told my parents that I was destined to be the first female president. My whole life I waited anxiously for my 18th birthday simply so I could vote in elections, and the first time I did vote was one of the proudest moments of my life. (my mom even photographed the whole thing haha) I've bounced around political parties a lot since high school and involved myself in some local political groups and movements. I would really love to become one of those life changer politicians. You know, the kind that get the youth of America involved and create a spark in people that make them feel connected to their government again. Maybe someday I really will go after that dream, but for now I'm quite alright with holding heated arguments and spear heading political debates on a quieter level.

Day 24

Something you did as a child that people remember you for.

Growing up I was always involved in dance and singing. I took numerous dance classes, participated in musicals, and sang in many choirs. I was always known as the "artsy one" the "performer". It's something I've always loved doing; from my very first dance class at age 2, to my first talent show win in my home town of New Haven's festival, to the first time I sang infront of an audience, to my final performance in the glitz and glam of a nationally competing show choir...performing was my thing. People from my family or coworkers or friends/family friends always ask me if I still participate in performing of any kind and at this point I sadly do not. I do miss it a great deal and maybe someday I'll go back to it, but for now it is a thing of my past.

Day 23

Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given.

I have a knack for giving the worst first impressions. Whenever I meet new people I am very nice, but very quiet. I tend to be pretty shy if I don't know you very well, which often leads people to think I am boring, off putting, and uninterested. The word "bitchy" has even been thrown around after my first meeting with a few people as well as people thinking I simply don't like them. However, it is quite the opposite. This doesn't always happen, but it happens enough that I have had to work on shedding some of my embarassing shyness.

Day 21

Your favorite medium of art.

Photography. Hands down. I just feel like there's something much more personal about phographing a subject as opposed to drawing, painting, etc... To me photography captures real life and raw emotion.

These beautiful photographs come from one of my long time favorite photographers, Laura Taylor.

Day 20

A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them.

Music snobs everywhere, say what you will, but I completely and absolutely adore Coldplay. Not only do I think Chris Martin and his bevy of bandmates are genius musically, but lyrically they are phenomenol as well. The first time I heard Coldplay was when I was watching MTV2 (where they actually play music videos) and the video for "Yellow" came on. As soon as the video was over I thought I was in love. Not only did Chris Martin have one of the most beautiful male voices I had heard but the music and lyrics were perfect.  As time has passed, and more music has come out from them my love for Coldplay has only been solidified. Their music tells tales of heartbreak, love, hope, desire, and everything in between. I have a lot of friends who knock them for "sounding too much like U2" or "copying the ways of Radiohead", but I really could care less. To me, their music is about the message and the feelings that the music creates inside of you. I can relate many Coldplay songs to many events and emotions throughout my teenage, and now adult years, and not everyone has the opprotunity to feel that connection with music that they love.

Day 19

A passage from a book that has touched you


"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
 -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Day 18

A picture that makes you feel.

Whenever I see this picture a wave of emotions come over me. Sadness, relief, want, hurt, anxiousness...to name a few. This was right when him and I started "talking" or "dating" whatever you'd like to call it. I was so happy and thought I had it all. This picture doesn't just represent us as we were then, but also everything I was going through around that time. Shortly after the time of this picture life went a bit haywire for a good 6 months. I lost who I was. I have always been so upset by a lot of things that occured in my thought process when we were more than just friends. I changed myself, I put all of my heart into it because I really thought it was something special or could be. It was always so off and on and touch and go, not only in that relationship but in my life that I began suffering terrible anxiety I began a downward spiral when all was said and done and it took a lot to pick myself up off the floor and fix myself.

Day 17

What you want to be remembered for.

It's pretty plain and simple for me. I want to be remembered as someone who gave her all to the people around her. I want people to look back and see me as a positive impact on their life, whether it be through something big or small. And most of all I want to be remembered as someone who was always there for the people around her.

Day 16

Something that you want to do within the next five years.

There are so many things I'd love to do in the next five years. Marriage, maybe kids, a real vacation, etc...  But the one thing I really want to just kind of get done and over with is getting my collee degree. Finishing college is SO important to me, and I'm halfway there already. However, lately I've been feeling less and less motivated to stay on top of my school work. I'm hoping that transferring out of Fort Wayne and IPFW to Ball State will help with that. I think the change in atmosphere will be great for me. On top of graduating which will, hopefully, happen in the next two years I'd love to start working towards my masters degree as well. I think five years is more than enough time to accomplish both.

Day 15

A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.” — Audrey Hepburn

Day 14

Day 14 - Best mashup you’ve ever heard


It may not be the absolute best mashup ever, I have others I like more, BUT this mashup is so ridiculously wrong that it's right. I can't help myself.
 

 
Yes, you are reading that right, Destiny's Child "Bootylicious" paired with Nirvana "Smells Like Team Spirit". Surprisingly it works pretty well.

Day 13

A memory that never fails to make you laugh.

Picking just one is really hard, I have had so many good times!

 I suppose the one that first comes to mind is when I went to visit Amy in Idaho. (I'm sure I've told the Malad story many times, but I think it's funny so bare with me) Aaron, Amy, and I were headed to Salt Lake City to spend a couple of days before I flew home. On the way there Aaron's beloved car decided to die on us. Hilarity insued, at least on my and Amy's part. First, we could not stop cracking jokes and laughing about being stuck in the middle of nowhere, literally. The tow truck the was coming to get us didn't even understand where we were. Amy and I just laughed and laughed and took picture after picture having a good time while Aaron was basically having a nervous breakdown. Then we get to Malad. A town with a population of maybe 1000, if that. After finally getting ahold of Jeff we figured we'd be stuck for a good 7 hours in this tiny town of nothingness. So we went in every tiny store possible, found our "new home" in a portable shelter for sale, and made friends in a gas station. Then we decided to take pictures at all the Malad landmarks before taking a walk back towards the gas station more towards the highway. On the way we found people with chickens IN THEIR BACKYARD! Once we got to the gas station the three of us decided to be cool and get temporary tattoos and cause a ruckus. At one point we were so tired and ready to leave that Aaron, so nicely, decided to but us ice cream. Instead of being happy campers Amy and I decided to mess with Aaron and pretend we were crying and that Aaron was mean and made us sad. We have the pictures to prove it, and Aaron totally thought we were serious. Had you'd been there you would have found this hilarious as well.

Day 12

Ten things you've never done.

1. been out of the country. I went to Canada once and it was to the Niagra Falls part right accross from the US Niagra Falls part so I don't really count it, even though it was really cool.

2. become fluent in a foreign language. I took three years of Spanish in high school and I've taken two semesters of it in college, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can just speak it nonchalantly.

3. eaten an anchovie. I don't think I will ever want to either.

4. let my boyfriend hear my singing voice. I'm really weird when it comes to singing infront of people. I know I have a decent voice, as I've been told many times from back when I was in choirs all the time, but I get nervous singing one on one with people. My boyfriend hates me for it.

5. gotten in a real face to face fight with a friend. I'm afraid of confrontation. Anytime me and one of my friends have argued it always occurs in other mediums.

6. gone on a true road trip. Sure I've driven to places for little day trips or gone on vacation with my family, but I've never loaded up a car full of friends and just gone somewhere far away and random. I've always wanted to go on those road trips where you pack up the car, sing at the top of your lungs, take millions of pictures, and just have the time of your life driving with your friends. Hopefully someday soon.

7. had a true lazy day. I'm way too antsy when it comes to just laying around and doing nothing. I always say I'm going to have a lazy day and do nothing but a couple hours into it I "get bored" or anxious and feel the need to go somewhere or find someone to hang out with.

8. gone on a fancy date. I've always had this picture perfect date planned in my head where I get all dressed up to the nines and my boyfriend comes and picks me up and takes me out for a nice night on the town. Maybe someday...hint hint.

9. spent less that $100 on my hair. I know, it is ridiculous and a little sad, but I spend $120 everytime I visit my hair stylist. This includes: cut, color, and styling. It's super pricey but I'm fairly certain that if I got my hair done somewhere cheaper or even did it myself, it would have fallen out by now with the amount that I change it on a monthly basis.

10. had a cavity. Nearly 21 years down and not a bad tooth, ever. I plan on attempting to keep this streak up as long as I can.

Day 11

Favorite picture ever taken of yourself.

Want to know a little secret? I never walked accross the stage and got my high school diploma, however I AM a high school graduate. How is that possible you may ask? Well it's a very long, upsetting story, but I'll give you the short version. Me, Meredith, and our good friend at the time Alyssa decided to go to prom together. Al and her boyfriend decide to set Mere and I up with guys. My guy bales the week of prom and I meet my new date on prom night, despite my objections to even taking a date. After we have dinner we have time to kill and go to a park downtown to kill some time, take some pictures, etc... Our dates decide to drink. Mine gets exceptionally drunk. We try to get him to chill or to decide to go home to no avail. I avoid my date like the plague all night. He gets caught reaking of alcohol. The other five of us are breathalyzed and questioned. Two of the boys are arrested, one is let go, and the three of us girls are cleared of any drinking but forced to give written statements despite our parents or any other representation not being there. We are suspended for the rest of the school year and told we can't walk at graduation. We spend the next two weeks going through a series of emotions and mistreatments by Carroll High School, despite having NEVER been in trouble in all four years and having not taken part in the boys drinking. Guilty by association apparently. At the boys school, South Side, they are barely given slaps on the wrist, are allowed to participate in all end of the year activities, and are allowed to walk at graduation. We never have recieved an apology to this day.

Since we were not allowed to walk at Carroll's graduation our parents put together a wonderful ceremony just for us that was ten times better than the real thing would have been. We were surrounded by our close family and friends and eachother and took part in something really special. This is my favorite picture of myself because it is actually from that day. We had just recieved our fake "diplomas" (we had to wait until after Carroll's graduation to go to the school and get our real ones) and knew we wanted to jump in our caps and gowns on Al's trampoline, which was our favorite thing to do. This picture not only captures our friendship, but also the relief we felt to have the whole ordeal finally given some closure.

Day 10

A dream you had this week described in great detail.

The other night I had a dream I reunited with my (ex) best (guy) friend Ben. Somehow I had been invited to his apartment that he used to share with my friend Cameron. I walked in the door and saw ben in the kitched in a bathrobe (odd I know). He was making himself a bowl of cereal and had been pouring the milk into his bowl as I walked in the door. I B-lined to him to say hello and he completely ignored me. I brushed it off and attempted to strike up conversation with him again, but was rejected once more. I went over to where Cameron was sitting and we started watching a movie that I can't recall. I saw Ben come out of his bedroom and go back to the kitchen, so I followed. I tried to talk to him again to get a reply out of him and he still wouldn't open his mouth. I began to get frustrated and cry. Suddenly he had a change of heart and grabbed me and threw me into one of his bear hugs and just kept repeating that he was sorry. He apologized to me for lying to me, abandoning me, pushing me away, and not being there for me. While we were hugging he began to spin me around (I have no idea why, it was weird even in my dream) and we started laughing and suddenly everything was back to normal and we were back to being best friends like nothing ever changed.

I woke up after that and felt a wave of sadness come over me. It's dream like that that I wish were true, I miss my friendship with Ben more than anything.

Day 9

Five things you want to see change.

I'm not really sure if this is alluding to in the world or from myself, but I'm going to go ahead and focus on five things I want to see change with myself.

1. My constant need to need people. I always feel like I need the people in my life far more than they need me. It's really not a good feeling and usually not true. I've gathered a lot of dependence on the people around me and cling to this fear that I'm going to lose them. (This mostly occured after losing a group of friends I had thought would never let me down, when it turns out they were extremely selfish and not goo for me to be around.) I need to come back to being happy with myself and not reading into every little thing.

2. My lack of ability to sit down and read. I always have an excuse for not reading yet I love books and I constantly buy them. I'd like to take some time each day to sit outside on my balcony and read.

3. My lack of confidence in social situations. When meeting new people I kind of freeze and clam up. Even when I'm with people I know I have this notion that they don't really care much for what I have to say. This has gotten better in the last few months but thinking about my move down to Ball State in August is giving my anxiety about not being able to meet new people. I just need to get over my insecurities and let everyone know how fabulous I am.

4. My inability to leave procrastination behind. I put the pro in procrastinator, so much so that I wrote a paper about how much I procrastinate and procrastinated on that paper and got an A. While I like creating non existant free time for myself I should really just suck it up and get my homework, cleaning, etc... done right away. I'm sure it would ease a lot of stress and probably make my grades a little better.

5. My teeter tottering resiliance to just living. I'm a worry wart and a realist, not everyone sees it or expects it from me  as I love to be a dreamer, but in the end I am. I suppose the first person to really point it out to me was my boyfriend. He pointed out all these litting things that I freak out over and all these plans for the next years, 5 years, 10 years, I keep making and told me I was going to drive myself crazy. It's true. I'm slowly starting to let go and rediscover the care free me that disappeared not to long ago.