Venting my life

I often sit and wonder lately where I have gone. Sometimes I'm not sure I know myself very well anymore. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be, and it's a really weird thing. I used to be very outwardly opinionated, social, outgoing. I could easily make friends, strike up a conversation with a stranger and find common interests. I was independent, self sufficient, all knowing of my feelings and convictions. I didn't need anyone, didn't feel like I had to rely on others for happiness. I could occupy myself, feel just as good spending time alone as I did with others, not insecure.

Now...now I am this mess of emotions. A self-concious, timid, worrisome, stranger I don't even recognize. I stress out over trying to find people I click with. I overanalyze my friends behavior towards me. Some nights I can't stand being in my apartment alone. I register my happiness through the actions of others, and rarely feel like I'm interesting enough for anyone to care to get to know or keep around. Crying seems to happen a lot and I am constantly down on myself. I don't know this person at all.

I've tried to blame it all on moving, on not really knowing anyone, on the stresses that come with a total change in routine. But, I know it's much more than that. It goes back to around this time last year, when people who I considered to be my best friends completely ran out of my life with no explanation. The treatment I recieved from them still makes me angry today...ignored texts, ignored phone calls, the silent treatment, talking behind my back, treating me as though we were never friends to begin with. It really hit me hard because these people (more specifically one person) whom I trusted with everything, that I spent nearly every single day with, that I kept secrets for, that I would drop everything to help, completely turned their back(s) on me. I suppose I never really have gotten over it, especially because there are some extraneous factors that make it even harder to swallow, constant reminders/slaps in the face that we are no longer friends. Not to mention that at this same time the  girl I had been best friends with for years and I drifted apart. It's all really taken its toll over time.

I guess right now I just really feel down and out, though I try really hard to mask it. I do have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, and awesome friends. I should be counting my blessings and looking at the positives. Right? Right. "Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself" And end self-deprecating crap.

Just a moment

I'm going to complain for the next 2 seconds and then I will be done!

It is ridiculously hot and gross feeling today. In fact, it has been like this all week. Yes the sun is beautiful but I'm really not loving it being 93 degrees at the present moment and stickier then a half consumed lollipop. Even when it gets later into the evening the heat and humidity is still there, making outside activities near impossible to enjoy. Last night I broke into a sweat walking from my car to my grandmas garage. Can you say eww?

I am still on Idaho time for some reason, which I actually prefer because I still have 2 extra hours in my head. Because of this I haven't been able to fall asleep before 1am this entire week. This normally woudn't be a big deal to me except for the fact that I have to wake up for work every morning at 6:15am. Therefore I am crazy tired today.

When I pulled in to work today my normal parking spot was taken. I park in the same spot every day and have become somewhat anal about it. Our parking lot is divided in two parts basically; one side has parking spaces for us office girls and then the other side has a ton of parking for the guys in the shop, the project managers,and visitors. The visitor spots are clearly,boldly,and brightly labled VISITOR. Today a visitor was in my spot which made me have to park in the other side of the lot, which really isn't even a drastic distance from where I park, it is just the fact of the matter.

For lunch I went to Wendy's and ordered an oriental chicken salad. A CHICKEN salad. When I got back to work to take my lunch break my salad had no chicken.

I really really really have to pee as I have yet to go today. Anyone who really knows me knows that I only go to the bathroom three times a day tops. Everytime I go downstairs to use the restroom someone is in it. Only five girls (six including me) work in the office, there is no reason for the bathroom to be in used every single time I got to use it. It's a conspiracy.

Complaining over!!! whew!