On Holiday Anxiety

I love Christmas time. I love the music, the weather, the cheer in the air, how people are a little more friendly, the lights and colors, the treats, and so on. It's probably my favorite time of year. However, with every Christmas season comes Christmas anxiety for me no matter how in the spirit I am feeling. Being a child of divorce I've spent years worrying about holidays and how time is split between both parents, with Christmas being the hardest for me to cope with. Even though my parents have been divorced since I was 8 and I am now 22 I still grapple with the stress of making sure all of my love is spread and no one is alone or left out or feeling bad. Add to the fact that my dad now lives two hours away and Joseph and I go to both of our families festivities and you have a hot mess of Christmas anxiety right here.

Luckily this year my dad has his girlfriend and her family to spend Christmas with so I don't worry about him being alone, but I still wish my brothers and I could be there. Even though we'll celebrate a couple of days later I can't help but feel my usual anxiety rise. Only during the holidays does the little 8 year old girl in me come back wishing her parents were back together so Christmas was easier. When I was younger I always felt so bad on Christmas. Either my mom was crying because we were leaving to go to my dad's, or my dad was upset that we weren't spending the day with him. I could never win, even though it really wasn't my fault, and it's been something that's followed me throughout life.

It probably sounds petty being in my 20's and still juggling a sense of sadness and frustration about my Christmas family predicaments. I'm trying my best to not let it ruin my cheer. This year is going to be one of the best and most friend and family Christmas' I've had in awhile. It will be the first Christmas Joseph and I will spend 100% together (our first Christmas we had only been dating over a month so we didn't do all of the family stuff and last year I was in Florida until Christmas day). It is also the first Christmas since I stopped working that I've been able to afford to get people good gifts (I REALLY saved a lot and went without a lot of groceries ha!). Gift giving is one of my favorite parts of the season, mostly because I love picking out wrapping paper and giving to other people. This year I have gotten something for everyone in my family, plus Joseph, plus everyone in Joseph's family, plus my closest friends. It's a wonderful feeling! Not to mention I've gotten in so much holiday music and Christmas light looking already!

I'm learning more and more how to shake it off and am hoping that someday I'll no longer even have Christmas anxiety at all! Just like everything else, it's a process and you have to focus on the positive!