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I'm writing right now at 12:30 on a Saturday night/Sunday morning because I honestly have nothing better to do. I spent a wonderful day with Joseph filled with talking and laughing and planning and enjoying one another's company. It really was a lovely day. However, right now I am overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I'm very lonely. It's a pretty constant feeling as of late. I'm not happy and haven't been in some time. Its been made rather obvious I'm not worth many people's time, not even some of my closest friends. I moved down to Muncie thinking life would be great and I'd make tons of new friends, get to spend more time with my friends that were already here, and really get a sense of the "college experience" I thought I had been missing out on by living in Fort Wayne. Well, I'm here to tell you that I feel as though I made the wrong decision. And I'm only droning on and on about it right now because if I don't say it now (even in blog form) I may not ever say it. People always ask me how I like Ball State and living in Muncie and I always respond with something similar to "Oh I love it! It's been a really great experience. blah blah blah.". It's not the truth. I sit alone in my apartment sometimes and just look around at the vast empty space around me and want to cry for no reason. I try to stay as busy as possible so I don't have time to just sit and think. I do go out sometimes and I do hang out with people, but not in the way I thought. I just feel like I'm not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough...not even for my close friends. I've always held true to the thought of quality over quantity, but what do you do when quality even begins to be lacking? Lately I've been contemplating moving back home. Getting an apartment, a new job, and going back to IPFW. At least then I would be around other friends, my family and my boyfriend. I'm so tired of feeling pushed aside and unimportant. And I'm still blubbering on, most likely in a way that makes no sense A. because it's almost 1am, and B. because this is completely me venting in a stream-of-concious manner. If you've read my entire breakdown I applaud you.
I'm going to put in The Breakfast Club and go to bed now. Tomorrow will be a better day!
Pork Milanese with Kale and Apple Salad
42 minutes ago
2 comments:
I love you Katie bby lady.
I WISH we were soooo much closer. I think we've been having similar feelings regarding friends.
You are amazing and wonderful and probably the greatest friend I've ever had.
Thanks for being genuine.
Moving anywhere new, when you're not immediately surrounded by your peers makes things harder. When I left the dorms during school, I was in a shitty party-apartment spot. I hated it as much as I hated dorms.. but I liked that it was cleaner.
Then came jr/sr year, when I lived with someone I liked, in a complex I liked, with a cool neighbor.. etc. When you're not surrounded strictly by people in your situation, it's harder to meet people.. especially if you came in late when all of the cliques have already been formed.
Imagine moving across the country, where you know one person, and where you're starting completely from scratch. Everything takes time, but everything will eventually be worth it if you do what you came to do.
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