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I often sit and wonder lately where I have gone. Sometimes I'm not sure I know myself very well anymore. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be, and it's a really weird thing. I used to be very outwardly opinionated, social, outgoing. I could easily make friends, strike up a conversation with a stranger and find common interests. I was independent, self sufficient, all knowing of my feelings and convictions. I didn't need anyone, didn't feel like I had to rely on others for happiness. I could occupy myself, feel just as good spending time alone as I did with others, not insecure.
Now...now I am this mess of emotions. A self-concious, timid, worrisome, stranger I don't even recognize. I stress out over trying to find people I click with. I overanalyze my friends behavior towards me. Some nights I can't stand being in my apartment alone. I register my happiness through the actions of others, and rarely feel like I'm interesting enough for anyone to care to get to know or keep around. Crying seems to happen a lot and I am constantly down on myself. I don't know this person at all.
I've tried to blame it all on moving, on not really knowing anyone, on the stresses that come with a total change in routine. But, I know it's much more than that. It goes back to around this time last year, when people who I considered to be my best friends completely ran out of my life with no explanation. The treatment I recieved from them still makes me angry today...ignored texts, ignored phone calls, the silent treatment, talking behind my back, treating me as though we were never friends to begin with. It really hit me hard because these people (more specifically one person) whom I trusted with everything, that I spent nearly every single day with, that I kept secrets for, that I would drop everything to help, completely turned their back(s) on me. I suppose I never really have gotten over it, especially because there are some extraneous factors that make it even harder to swallow, constant reminders/slaps in the face that we are no longer friends. Not to mention that at this same time the girl I had been best friends with for years and I drifted apart. It's all really taken its toll over time.
I guess right now I just really feel down and out, though I try really hard to mask it. I do have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, and awesome friends. I should be counting my blessings and looking at the positives. Right? Right. "Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself" And end self-deprecating crap.
Pork Milanese with Kale and Apple Salad
54 minutes ago
5 comments:
sorry katie.. but, it is also largely to blame on your move. back in ftw you were more 'you' than you are right now because you were more comfortable with what you had to offer in familiar surroundings- with a group of friends, and knowing who was who, so you had more confidence and more people to reassure you when you needed it.
now that you've moved somewhere else, much like myself, you have to rebuild it all. at least with college, though, you're with like-minded/aged people who you will see on a regular basis. just talk and crack dumb jokes. think out loud just like you used to. you're still in small-town indiana, if you can't readjust there.. what do you do when you decide to pursue some big dream in the big city?
you've got time, just start to open up around your peers a little more.
also, is the character you're talking about a ms. nell? heh
Nope, not Lynnell. me and her still talk. and I'm not saying I'm not going to adjust, because I am actually doing pretty damn good at it, and I'm pretty confidant that things will be fine. Like I said, it really has nothing to do with me moving. There's been a lot going on that you don't and won't know about.
awwww fiiiiine.
Bby I'm sorry. I love you very very very very very much.
I've started to feel more insecure around people beginning with last fall and the height of it being this past summer. I think it's because once Jeff and I started getting more serious, people stopped inviting us to hang out for whatever reason. Most of the time I'm just sitting alone in our apartment while Jeff is at work. I don't like calling people to hang out because I'm too scared of rejection. But people don't really ask to me either. Except Christina and Katherine sometimes. Most of the times I'm alone. But even when I'm in a big group of people, I feel so intimidated and self-conscious. I've felt replaced by this group of friends that I have and I think that makes me feel like they don't like me so I'm quiet. Also the birth control that I was on totally effed me up. It gave me really bad anxiety and depression, and even though I've been off of it for a week, the social anxiety is still there because it's something I've always had. It just sucks because I used to be really shy up though high school but then I made a lot of progress for a couple years and now I feel like I'm regressing. I don't know what to do. I've switched birth controls but I don't know how to regain self confidence. It just feels like no one really wants to hang out with me here (besides Jeff). Which probably isn't true but when you feel that way it's hard to get out of it you know?
Anyway. I love you. I don't know what kind of BC you're on, but I had to take one with lower estrogen because the one with higher estrogen was making me emotionally unstable. I love you bby. You are amazing. I wish we were closer because I've never felt awkward hanging out with you. ILY!!!
yay birth control!
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